by: David Bell
Let's face it. It
is really hard to come up with new ways to fully irritate visitors to your site.
I thought I would
share some ways that I have found to irritate visitors and drive them away,
thereby saving you money on your hosting bills. These tips are not in order
according to their effectiveness, however #1 is by far the most effective. For
100% effectiveness, use any three of these techniques.
1. Install a
script to disable everyone's right mouse click button. When someone tries to
right-click, be sure to pop up a really insulting warning that accuses them of
trying to steal your secret HTML code. Disabling the right click button will
allow you to:
-
Keep the
visitor from bookmarking your site
-
Keep the
visitor from using the forward and back browser functions
-
Keep the
visitor from opening your links in a new window
-
Keep the
visitor from stopping a slow loading or hung page
-
Keep the
visitor from using the Reload function to correct a display problem
-
Keep the
visitor from printing your secret content
-
Keep the
visitor from using such illegal tools as the Google site information tool
Admittedly the
visitors can do all of these things with the buttons at the top of the browser,
but maybe they won't know that and simply go away as you intended when you
disabled their dangerous right-click button.
2. Create a
really long page then starts playing your favorite song and put the stop and
volume controls at the very bottom of the page. This will make sure they do one
of the following:
-
Listen to the
entire song all the way through 5 times while reading your content, which
proves them worthy of experiencing your site
-
Try desperately
to find the Stop button
-
Go somewhere
else to stop the song from playing.
3. Decide in
advance what screen resolution your visitors must use in order to see your
pages. It is absolutely a great way to drive them off when they have to scroll
from side to side to read sentences of information. You can make this 100%
effective by making your pages so wide that no monitor can display it.
4. The really
professional irritator will not settle for just one obscure browser plug-in. Go
for the gold. Use several bloated plug-ins that no one has already installed.
This should drive away all newbies because they usually have no idea how to
install even one plug-in, much less three. Experienced surfers will be glad to
spend 20 minutes installing plug-ins to view your unique content.
5. When the
visitor arrives at your site, be sure to pop up at least two ads behind their
browser window and a minimum of two ads in front of their window. This will give
them lots of options in where to go now that they have been sufficiently
irritated to desire to leave right away. Even more important is the way you
treat the occasional hard case that actually stays on your site after all of
your efforts. When they leave, remind them to never return. Start popping up
windows all over their monitor with windows that multiply every time they try to
close them.
6. Sign up to use
a really slow-loading hit counter and put the button inside of a TABLE so that
nothing appears until the hit-counter responds. This is possibly the best way to
keep visitors from stealing from you as it keeps them from even reading your
content and possibly typing it into their site from memory. For this to work
reliably, you must avoid putting the height and width into the call for the hit
counter graphic. You can improve the effectiveness of this technique by
inserting not only a hit counter button, but a long string of banner exchange
banners.
7. For the
occasional visitor that inadvertently makes their way to your ezine subscription
form, fear not. All is not lost. You can still rid yourself of them by asking
lots and lots of personal questions. Don't just ask for their email address. Ask
for their mailing address, phone number, sex, age, hobbies, religion, race and
some other things best not discussed here. This technique works equally well
when applied to your order forms and minimizes your trip to the UPS office to
ship products.
8. Splash page.
You gotta have a Splash Page. Lots of slow loading animation. If you can combine
this with the requirement to download another obscure plug-in, you'll have hit a
home run. I'm especially impressed by the many sites that have upped the ante to
include two splash pages before you ever get to even the first word of content.
Stunning! Brilliant!
9. Reconfigure
the visitor's browser window. This will drive them crazy! People hate it when
you run a script on your pages that expands the user's browser window to fill
the entire screen and then do away with all of the browser Toolbar features such
as the Navigation Toolbar and the Location Toolbar,
10 Finally, an
oldie but goodie. Make your background dark and your text just a shade or two
brighter. This makes it impossible to read your text and will rid you of
visitors before they have a chance to clog up you server logs. If this is not
possible on your site, use the alternate technique of putting most of your
content in PDF files so that the visitor has to download them and launch another
application. Very effective.
Did I mention
that all of these cool ways to irritate visitors work even better at driving
away the people reviewing your site for places like Yahoo, LookSmart and other
directories to whom you've paid large sums of money to review your site and add
it to their directory?
I hope this helps
in your future marketing decisions.
by-http://www.wspromotion.com/
